Moving

I'm moving my blog to http://ontheborderline.blog.com, so make sure to visit that site to stay updated!

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2009 @ 11:08am

I just want to go to sleep; I'm half asleep right now anyway. I want to sleep away the horrible feelings of social anxiety.
I'm also freezing cold. It's really cold in the library, but I don't really feel like going outside, since my laptop battery doesn't last for very long. And I'm not even sure where I'd go.
James will be coming relatively soon. I can't wait! I really need some food; I'm so hungry. My stomach is feeling better for the most part, it's just a little bit upset. But I'm feeling a lot better than I had been earlier.
James said that he'll be here around 11:45am. I don't know if I can stay awake for that long, haha. My eyes keep closing. I'm just so tired. I should've bought an energy drink this morning, but I didn't want to throw it up.
I wish James was here with me right now. Or even somebody else. I just need a friend, somebody to talk to. Especially today.
I should've brought my psychology homework with me, even though it's not due until next Wednesday. It would've been something to do. And I'm bored right now. I guess I can start on my English homework, which is due on Tuesday. I hope I understand it, since I missed class today. I'm sure it will be fine, and I'll try my hardest no matter what.
I think I'll get started on that.

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 @ 10:50am

Tired. So tired. Cried in the car on the way to school. Stupid social anxiety. Gets me just about every time. Couldn't go to class; didn't want to read my paper in front of everybody. Had a breakdown in the car. Called James while I was in the car. He helped me feel a little better. Still cried a lot though. Feeling slightly better now. In the school library instead of in class. I just couldn't force myself to go. Was afraid I would throw up or faint or cry in front of everybody. Need to do something about this social anxiety. Soon. It's starting to take over my life. Cold. It's cold in here. I hope James comes to see me soon. We're having lunch together. Can't wait to see him. I've missed him so much. Threw up last night, at about one in the morning. Was too nervous about reading my paper in front of the class. Still feel a little sick, probably because I didn't eat anything yet today. I didn't want to throw it up. Tired. Want to sleep. Emotionally drained. I hate when this happens. Can't concentrate, too hungry. Will get food when James gets here. He's mowing the lawn right now. I hope he finishes soon; I really want to see him. Have another class this afternoon. I think it will be fine. No oral presentations. Thank goodness. Otherwise, I might freak out again. Tired. Cold. Bored. Lonely. Hungry.

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 @ 11:57am

Here I am, back at school again. I decided to come in early because I was soooo bored at home, and I needed to buy some books for English anyway. I’m in the library right now, waiting for my class to start in about an hour. Psychology. I’m so excited for it!
I get to see James today! I can’t waitttttt. I hope I can concentrate in class, but I’m already all fidgety just thinking about getting to see him later. I also told my sister that I’d go to the fair with her tonight though, so I have to do that, even though I really just want to spend time with James…maybe we won’t stay for too long. I feel badly about the whole thing; I mean, I love my sister and it’s so nice that she wants to be with me, but I can see her wayyy more often than I can see James. And they have all the same classes today, so they can see each other all day. Not fairrrrrr. I’m not even sure what James and I are going to do tonight; we’ll just be so happy to see each other.
I have about forty minutes left until I have to get ready to go to class. It’s cold in here, even though I’m wearing my sweatshirt. I’d go outside where it’s nice and sunny, but my laptop battery doesn’t last for very long. Oh well. I guess I’ll just stay in here until it’s time to go. I’m glad I decided to wear jeans today instead of shorts. I would’ve been soooo cold.
I clearly have nothing else to write about, since I’m writing about what the temperature is in here. Wow. Ummmm, yeah. I don’t know what to do until it’s time for class. I finished most of my homework for tomorrow, and I have to finish the rest at home tonight (my English binder is at home). I should’ve brought it with me, but then my bag would’ve been even heavier. I really need to find something else to carry my stuff in.
My psychology class is about three hours long, since it only meets once a week. That’s alright with me though, since I love psychology. I think the time will go by pretty quickly…but maybe not today, since it’s going to mostly be an introduction to the class. I wonder if we’ll get out early…I kind of hope we don’t, since that means that I’ll have something to do to pass the time while I wait to see James. But if we do get out early, I’ll get to finish my homework sooner…that would be nice. Either way, I think I’ll be happy. Except for the fact that I already have to pee, and I hate asking people where the bathroom is. Maybe I’ll just come across it on my way to or from class. That would be nice.
Wow, now I’m writing about how I have to pee. Could I write about anything more boring? Haha. I bet nobody’s going to read this post because it’s sooo boring. I wouldn’t even read it, haha. Whatever. Writing is helping me pass the time.
Anyway…I kind of feel like sleeping now. I wish I had somewhere to take a nap, but I don’t. And I had to park all the way across the parking lot again, so napping in the car is out of the question. I don’t have that much time left before class, anyway. So…yup. I’m out of things to write.

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 @ 1:06pm

I’m back from lunch, and I’m in the library again. I still feel so lonely, but at least it’s quiet in here. I hate feeling alone when there are a bunch of people talking together. It feels less awkward when it’s quiet.
My stomach is still bothering me a little bit. It’s just nerves though. I still have a little less than an hour until I have to go to my next class; I hope it goes by quickly. I hate waiting around, especially by myself. Right now I kind of wish I was back in high school, going to classes with people that I’d known for years instead of going to class with people that I’ve never met before. And plus, James would be there. We’ll never be able to go to school together, and that makes me kind of sad. It would be so nice to have him here to talk to, and to eat lunch with, and do homework with. Oh well.
Maybe we’ll get out of class early; that’s what happened with English (we got out about 50 minutes early). It’s the first day of classes, and we basically just learn what the class is all about and what is expected of us, so I hope we get out early. I kind of just want to get out of here. Hopefully then my stomach won’t feel so tight and knotted. I sort of feel like I’m going to throw up…which is great, since I just ate a lot for lunch. Ahhh. Hopefully I won’t. I don’t even know where a bathroom is.
I want to be home. I feel so empty inside. I won’t get to see James until (hopefully) tomorrow. I feel sick. I just feel like complaining right now. I really don’t have many positive things to say.
I hope my next class goes well. I hope we don’t have to sit in a circle. I hope we don’t have to talk about ourselves a lot; I hate doing first day introductions. I feel like people are judging me.
I want to write more, but I don’t know what to write about. I feel like my brain has been turned off; I just can’t think. I feel empty and sick and lonely and lost. It’s a great feeling, really. I hope I feel like this every day that I have classes. Ugh.
I should bring headphones on Thursday so I can watch a movie on my laptop or something. Maybe the time will go by faster that way. Maybe not. Who knows. I need to get new headphones anyway since one of our cats chewed through mine…but I don’t have any money. Gahhh. I have so many issues today, haha.
I’m not too tired, but I want to go home and sleep. I feel like my whole body is shutting down; I hate this feeling. I also feel like I’m rambling, and repeating the same thing over and over again. But I don’t care. I just need to get this out.
I don’t know what I’m doing here. I hope I do well in my classes, and I’m sure that I will, but I just don’t know if the making friends part of school is going to be too hard for me. I’ve never been good at making friends. I don’t really know how to talk to people, and I hate small talk. So I’ll probably just keep to myself like I always do and hope that I (somehow) end up making friends. If I don’t, oh well, it’s not the end of the world. Since I don’t live on campus, I feel like it’s not completely necessary to make friends anyway. It would be nice to know people in my classes, but I feel like I’m never going to know somebody well enough that they’ll want to hang out with me out of class. I do want to make new friends, but it’s just so hard, and the thought of it scares me, so I stay in my shell. It’s not very comfortable in here though. It’s lonely and awkward feeling. I feel so much better when I can be myself around people, but that’s really hard for me to do. Just thinking about making new friends makes me feel even more sick, and light-headed, too. I seriously can’t wait to be home. But then I have to come back again tomorrow for my psychology class, and then again on Thursday for the two classes that I also had today. I feel like I can’t do this. I know that thinking that is really stupid, and that I can do it, but I hate feeling scared and alone. It’d be better if I was scared and with somebody, but no; I’m not the kind of person who can just go up to somebody and start a conversation. I kind of wish I could. I always feel like that would be so awkward though, like what if the other person doesn’t want to talk to me? I think too much, wayyyy too much, especially when I have a lot of time on my hands. I kind of wish that I had one class right after the other, so that I wouldn’t have any time to wait around and think.
My internet just died, and it won’t let me reconnect. Oh joy. At least I don’t need it for work, just to entertain myself. I really should have taken my anxiety meds today. I could use one right about now. Actually, I could have used one all day.
Ok, it let me reconnect to the internet. Wow, I’m narrating my life. How pathetic am I getting?? Maybe I should stop writing now. I think I’m running out of things to say. Ahh. I just want to sleep until this sick, empty feeling goes away.
I could be working on English homework, but I don’t have any money to buy the last two books that I need for that class. I’ll have to get them tomorrow. I could start the writing that I have to do for Thursday, but I don’t feel like I’ll be able to concentrate. My mind is kind of all over the place today.
I really want to talk to James. I want him to tell me that everything is going to be alright, and that I have no need to worry myself so much that I feel sick. That I’m going to do great. That I will make friends, I just have to be patient. That he loves me and he misses me and he can’t wait to see me tomorrow, or whenever we can hang out this week. But he’s in class, and he can’t talk. I texted him during lunch, and he texted me back and told me that he was in class. After school he has football, which is a couple hours long, so I’ll have to wait for a while, especially if I get out of class early, which I hope I do… I really just need someone to reassure me that everything is going to be okay right now. Because talking to myself doesn’t help; all I have to say is negative things.
I really wish I could turn my journal entries (or whatever you’d call these) in for a grade for English class since I tend to write a lot when I’m writing on my own, but I get stuck when I’m trying to write for an assignment. Like, right now I feel like writing, but I don’t feel like starting my paper. I’ll probably do it tonight, or maybe tomorrow after I buy the books that I need. I hope they’re not too expensive.
Okay, time to list some positive things about today: my English class is small; we got out early; I only have one more class today; I had lunch at Panera, I actually had something to do while I waited in between classes; I already know where my classes are because I came here early to find the rooms; I’m taking classes that I like; English is an honors class, so I know that those students actually want to be there and will work hard, just like I will; I have to leave for class in a couple minutes, which means that (if it goes by quickly, and classes usually do on the first day) class will be over soon and I can go home.
I think I need to get a back pack…or do I already have one? I think I threw my high school one away because it was dirty and gross…right now I’m using a tote bag to carry my binders and stuff, and my laptop case to carry my laptop, but it’s really heavy, especially since I carry everything on one shoulder. I wonder if my parents will get me a back pack…I doubt it, since I’m 21. But hey, it can’t hurt to ask, right? If I don’t get a back pack, I at least need something a little more heavy-duty to carry my stuff in; I’m worried that the weight of everything will eventually rip the seams on my bag, and I really like that bag.
Okay, it’s almost time to go to my last class of the day. I have to turn my laptop off now so I can make sure I get to class early. Being late on the first day would suuuuck. Everyone turns and looks at your when you’re late, and that just freaks me out. I hate when people look at me. Sometimes I hate feeling invisible, but sometimes it’s really nice to pretend that I actually am.
I might write more when I get home. Or I might just sleep.

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 @ 11:27am

I just had my first class at NHTI. It was somewhat nerve-wracking; we sit in a circle, which is my least favorite way to sit because everybody can see me. I hate thinking that people are looking at me. The class is pretty small though, which is nice.
Right now I’m in the school library, trying to decide what to do. I still have a couple hours before my next class (it’s at 2pm). I’m hungry, but I don’t have anybody to eat with, and I don’t even have anybody to ask to eat with me. I feel so alone. Right now I want nothing more than to get in the car and go back home until it’s time for my next class. I already hate the time in between classes when I have nothing to do and no one to hang out with. I’d text James, but he’s at school, and I don’t think he’d be able to talk. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not even sure where the cafeteria is here, and I don’t want to go searching for it on my own. I wish James was here with me; that would make everything better.
My stomach just growled. I need food. Maybe I should just go to Panera and get something to eat. I know where the bathroom is there, too; I don’t know where it is here. I wonder how much it costs to get lunch here..? It might even be cheaper to go to Panera. And I can also just hang out there for a while with my laptop and not feel awkward; I hate seeing other students around me who look like they know what they’re doing, while I’m here feeling completely lost. I hope I at least look like I have some idea about what I’m doing.
I’m going to go to Panera soon, but I’m not looking forward to the long walk across the parking lot to my car. I had to park literally all the way across the parking lot because it was so full. I’ll go in a minute though. I just want to keep getting some of my thoughts down. That’s one of the good things about free time: I can write. I usually don’t feel like writing, or I don’t feel like I have anything to write about, but it’s times like these that I feel like taking out my laptop or a piece of paper and writing down how I’m feeling. I think it’s times when I feel lost that I want to write. And I’m feeling lost right now. Lost and hungry. Time to go to Panera. I still have like two dollars left on a Panera gift card, so that will be good; I also have some money that my parents gave me for lunch. I’d stay here and eat, but I really don’t want to. My hands are still shaky; they’ve been shaking since class started. I hate it.
So this has mostly been full of complaining. Lovely. But I really don’t have many positive things to say right now, since I’m feeling scared and lonely. I wish I had a friend here. It’s so hard for me to make friends, and I hate doing it.
I think I’ll go to lunch at 12pm (it’s 11:41am right now). I wish my laptop battery was charged all the way. And I wish that it wasn’t dying so that it lasted longer than five minutes. I want to be able to write or do something during lunch instead of just sitting there looking like a loner.
Maybe I’ll go to lunch now. I’m bored, and I need something to do. Walking to the car will take a while, anyway.